Third Eye of the Tyger

An entirely true story involving a Tyger and the Denver Zoo

Tyger Tyger Burning Bright

In the forests of the night

What immortal hand or eye

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

William Blake, 1794

Change a few words -- well, all of them except “Tyger” -- and that is pretty much how our story today unfolds.

I am 3 or 4 . . . and adorable as always. I am at the Denver Zoo with my mom, Hannibal, and my dad, Fredo. It is spring or early summer.

Here I am at the age of 3.

I know, this looks like a promotional still for an early 80’s reboot of Petticoat Junction. Or maybe for a Punky Brewster pilot, where I play the younger much more adorable little sister -- “Spunky” Brewster!

My mom, Hannibal, had me sit for a bunch of pictures like this at photo studios all over the place. I don’t know why, and I don’t know where most of them even are. I totally forgot about this photo until My Aunt -- Mrs. Gomer -- sent it to me about a month ago. I haven’t seen it since I was a little.

Hannibal wanted me to be famous -- she said that numerous times, to me and to other people who knew me.

She would have been a great Stage Mom -- and, no, I don’t mean that as a complement. Being famous never interested me, thankfully.

Just the other day, I watched S2.E2 of Hollywood Demons, with Dr. Drew Pinsky (streaming on HBO -- or whatever they call it now -- Max?). The episode is entitled Child Stars Gone Wild and is a pretty good discussion of how fame can seriously mess kids up.

So, back to the story . . .

Third Eye of the Tiger

Listen to Third Eye Blind, Semi-Charmed Life

I was 3 or 4 when Fredo and Hannibal packed me up for a trip to Colorado Springs. That’s in Colorado, about an hour or so South of Denver.

It was before my sister(?) was born, and I would have rather stayed back with my Grandparents.

Colorado Springs is only about 300 miles from Hansford county, in the Texas Panhandle, and a lot easier to get to than going to Dallas. So, like many Texas Panhandle kids, I spent time there, especially at the four main Colorado tourist havens:

· North Pole -- not actually at the North Pole

· The Broadmoor -- a really nice and really giant resort with lots for kids to do, originally built in 1918

· The Penny Arcade -- where you can play all kinds of coin operated games, founded in the 1930s, and

· The Denver Zoo -- a zoo

Each is fun for most kids, including me!

There’s another place in Colorado called La Junta that’s not a tourist place, though, at least not for kids. It’s located on the Arkansas river, so that pretty much explains a lot. The original 1952 version of Narrow Margin was set on a train that passed through La Junta, where the mob assassin boards. The 1990 remake with Gene Hackman was set in Canadato. In case your askin’.

I might tell you all I know about La Junta in an Episode entitled Here I am at Camp La Junta.

The Broadmoor Experience -- A Day in the Life of Hannibal

We arrive at the Broadmoor in the late afternoon.

The Broadmoor is a beautiful property. However, I have yet to return since my childhood. I had learned to swim early and quickly, so I immediately wanted to go to the pool. The pool there is semi-oval shaped and looks over a lake.

Hannibal, however, made me wait a few hours until the other guests were going to dinner -- “making the pool exclusive to us”, she said.

Hannibal would then stand in the pool away from the edge and say “swim to me”. I would swim, and she would continue to move farther back. This annoyed me. I generally don’t like when an agreement is made and someone else changes the terms as the deal is in play. Talk about moving the literal fat f-ing goalposts!

After Hannibal had moved past the center of the pool, I came up for air. Just as I was inhaling, Hannibal dunked me head under water. I could hear her laughing. Being mid-inhale, water filled in -- and who would want that? It felt like I was breathing in water. I began to choke and couldn’t even cough.

When I popped back up, I reflexively spewed out a mouthful of water -- directly into Hannibal’s face. I did not do this intentionally.

She was livid.

This One Time at Tiger Camp

The following day Fredo, Hannibal and I went to the Denver Zoo. All I can say is I do not want something else. This day was great!

We were dressed nicely because Hannibal wanted to take pictures. It was crowded. We started down a longer pathway. Hannibal was a few steps ahead, and Fredo was walking in between Hannibal and me.

At the end of the pathway there was a wide fork. The fork bent into two pathways around an acre plus reserve for the tigers. The tiger compound was set behind a really tall giant steel fence in the front and rocks, trees and other formations in the back. There was a pond. I could see maybe 3 or 4 of tigers, so walking some laying down. One was right up to the fence.

As we were approaching, I had an odd feeling. I felt like we needed to turn around. The tigers were massive, so I thought maybe I had fear.

One tiger -- the one at the fence -- did not look or feel happy. I remember looking at it and then looking up at Fredo. Given Fredo’s background in agriculture, he can sometimes read an animal, mainly cattle and horses -- or at least he thinks he can. His expression was the same as it ever was, so I figured nothing was amiss.

I looked back at the tiger and I could see the tiger had locked eyes with Hannibal. What unfolded played out to me in slow motion.

Fredo stopped walking forward. Hannibal took another step forward. She was staring back at the tiger, right up close to the fence. There was tension. The tiger stood straight up on his hind legs. Not bracing on the fence, mind you, but standing straight up, like a person. He was huge! Easily over six feet tall.

For some reason, Fredo and I stepped off to the side. What happened next, I’ve only ever seen -- or heard about -- this one time . . . at tiger camp.

The tiger made a light, low pitched growl noise, like when cats get territorial with other cats. It was almost under its breath like someone muttering to him or her self.

Then the tiger sprayed Hannibal with urine. It went from her shoulders down to her knees and then back up again. My mouth went wide open in surprise, but also amusement. The 30 other people watching also had wide open mouths. Some were gasping. Some laughed.

She was livid.

Fredo looked at Hannibal, and her eyes were as angry-wide as I had ever seen at that point in my life. She had her arms out with the urine dripping off her leather jacket sleeves. Her jutting jaw jutting way out. Way out. If jaws could kill.

She then turned to Fredo and said “My jacket. It’s ruined.” Fredo let out a small chuckle, which was brave for him. All I could think about was the upcoming car ride back to The Broadmoor, while I felt 100s of eyes on us.

The Epiloguer

Nature.

This is a story about a tiger, but it’s really a story about Nature. The animals can usually tell the bad people before the fellow humans can. Watch them.

Nature has been guiding me from very early on. The nature within the confines of the Denver Zoo turns out to have likely delivered the best, clearest, and swiftest lesson of how nature feels about Hannibal, or more precisely what a crime against Nature Hannibal is.

I love seeing all the different wild animals, though I have to tell you, I don’t love zoos and cages.

Tyger Tyger Burning Bright

On the Jacket to the right

Down and up and down he goes

& why he does, nobody knows.